Review // Pixels

[projekktor id=’20129′]

What can be said about Pixels that hasn’t been already? The anger and derision aimed at this film from across the internet has never been more concentrated. Most sins can be forgiven, but what Adam Sandler has done to video game nostalgia has apparently gone too far. He has spat upon the altar of Atari. He has besmirched the name of Sega. He has made the greatest mistake of them all…he has angered the nerds.

Pixels, the newest film from the Sandler-owned Happy Madison Productions, is based on a cute premise: aliens, confused by a time capsule sent into space containing footage of classic arcade games, attack the earth years later in the form of those same 8bit titles. It’s directed by Chris Columbus, the man behind Home Alone, Mrs. Doubtfire and, more recently, the first two installments of the Harry Potter franchise. It stars some old broad comedy standbys in Adam Sandler and Kevin James, as well as some up-and-comers in Josh Gad, Michelle Monaghan and Peter Dinklage. It’s got all the elements for an enjoyable, if not necessarily noteworthy, family comedy. The only problem is, it’s not funny. It’s more than not funny, it’s a nonsensical, blundering mess.

The film opens in flashback as our hero Brenner (Sandler) steps into an arcade for the first time with his best friend Cooper (James). Brenner proves a natural on the machines and after one day in the arcade he enters the world championships of video games. Forced to battle the obnoxious Eddie (Peter Dinklage) in a Donkey Kong showdown, Brenner loses and the tragedy of being the second best video game player in the world after a day’s practice haunts him for the next thirty years. Now middle-aged, Brenner works for an electronics company (the horror!) while his friend Cooper – having not been devastated by a video game loss – has become the President of the United States.

When mysterious shapes emerge from the sky and begin turning the world’s major cities into pixels, Cooper calls his old pal to the White House to lend his expertise. He’s paired up with Michael Monaghan’s Violet, a recently divorced Lieutenant Colonel in charge of a secret military research center who doesn’t know how to hook up a television. Together with the help of old arcade acquaintances Ludlow (Gad) and Eddie (Dinklage), the group have to fight off the alien invaders using their knowledge of the classic arcade games they emulate.

If Pixels was the standard upon which film’s were judged, Happy Gilmour would be in the Criterion Collection. The entire thing is a misguided mess. Filled with nods to the arcade games of old, one would think the film would aim it’s humour at the thirty-year olds who grew up playing them, but instead it seems squarely catered towards the eight-year olds who are hearing about Qbert for the first time. There is barely a joke that lands in the entire film and Sandler himself doesn’t even seem to be trying. The man who used to rely on goofy faces and funny sounds to squeeze laughs from a script seems like Bob Hope compared to the bored-looking man who wanders through this film with his hands in his pockets.

The rest of the cast tries gallantly but you can tell that they know it’s a lost cause. Josh Gad tries to yell his lines into quality, Peter Dinklage chews the scenery to avoid grinding his teeth (we assume) and Michelle Monaghan looks like she’d rather be anywhere else. The only person who seems enthusiastic about the endeavour is Kevin James, probably because he’s just happy to have work.

Perhaps the backlash towards this movie will finally motivate Sony to stop backing money trucks into Sandler’s driveway. If the leaked emails are to be believed, they’ve wanted to cut ties with the comedian for some time. This is as good a time as any. It’s not just that he has made another terrible movie, it’s that he ruined what was actually a very interesting premise. No one expected You Don’t Mess With The Zohan to be a great movie because no one would read the logline “An Israeli Special Forces soldier fakes his death so he can re-emerge in New York City as a hair stylist” and think “now that sounds great!” But Pixels had potential, and it was carelessly squandered. For that Sandler should be held responsible. Don’t see this movie.

Reviewed by Evan Arppe.